She Should Be Here
She should have been there. She should have been in all the pictures. She should have been the first person I hugged. She should have been crying tears of joy the whole time. She should have been that overly excited parent in the stands with a sign and airhorn screaming “Go Baby Girl!”. But she wasn’t there. She wasn’t in pictures, she wasn’t hugging me, and she wasn’t crying and chanting my name while I graduated college. She will never get to experience the excitement and emotions of that day.
She promised she would be there. When she found she was sick, she promised she would fight until I had a degree. That’s mainly the reason why I decided I wanted to complete undergraduate school in 3 years, so that she could be there. But she wasn’t. And I just can’t get over the fact that she was not there. It hurts me to know that I was only on that stage, shaking the deans hand, because of everything my mother had done to get me there. She motivated me, she encouraged me, she financed me, she supported me to be a college graduate and live a successful life. I don’t think I will ever be able to come to terms as to why my mother had to be taken from me so early and that she never got to experience my biggest days with me.
But I know she wouldn’t want me to be this way. She wouldn’t want me sad or angry. She wouldn’t want me downgrading on the excitement of graduating college just because she could not be there. She would want me to be happy and grateful. Its like she knew she was not going to be there… its like she told me she would witness the day just to motivate me to finish strong. I think my mother knew her time was very limited, but she did not let of us know. She did not want us to change our lives just for her. She did not want us to stop our daily activities just to cater to her. She wanted to make her last memories with us as normal as possible. She was not going to let cancer ruin her. She got up every day and went to work. She never missed work because of a doctor appointment. If she had chemo at 10 a.m., she went in early at 8 and came back after chemo to finish work. She was the strongest woman I know. She never missed a day, She never used cancer as an excuse. She went to work, she parented, she did her grandma duties, she did it all. That’s why she hide it from us. She hid the pain, hid the letters to us, hid the funeral arrangements.. she hid it from us for us.. So that we would never live our lives on edge about losing her.
That’s why I will never use my mother’s death as an excuse for anything. Its not an excuse to spend the rest of my life depressed. Its never an excuse to act out, or be a bad mother, or to do anything she would not approve of. If anything, it is more of a reason to be a better person. To be a better mother. To be a successful graduate.
I am sharing her letter to me because I know it will make my friends and family happy..almost as if they are hearing from her as well. I know we all want to hear from her one last time, so I know this will bring happiness and peace to so many of us.
“My Dearest Brianne, You did it baby girl, I always knew you would. Today you graduated from College. I am so very proud of you and I am so excited for what lies ahead of you. You have always been so determined and true to yourself about what you want. I wish I could have been there to see this, but I am just in a different way. I am watching down on you smiling and crying (you know me, I was always a crier lol). You my Bree are going to achieve great things in life This is the beginning of a whole new chapter. I know you will succeed and take over the world. There has never been a doubt in my mind about what you could achieve. I am so very proud of you baby girl. Look out world, here you come.
I love you
Mom”
